Playing isn’t just for kids.

Everyone plays. We play with our food, we play with the car radio, we play fantasy sports, and so on.

For the last couple of months I have been taking it easy…I’ve been thinking about playing. I love to have a good time. I’m always cracking jokes, I love my gadgets, my house, and just having a good time. However, one of the things my disability affects is the way I play. As a child I couldn’t put together a puzzle, ride a bike, or run in the park. Yet, I had a very happy childhood. My parents took my sister and me on trips. We used to go to Disneyland at least a couple of times a year. When I was younger, I was a lot smaller, so my father and my mother would just take me out of my chair and plop me on the rides. I used to watch my friends play basketball in the street and it didn’t really bother me to be on the sidelines.

I didn’t feel like I was on the sidelines.

As I grew older, I started to think about the concept of playing and realized that people play all the time. They make the perfect bite of food by mixing just the right amount of meat, cheese, and potatoes; when they get a minute, they engage in a game of Angry Birds; they take a picture of their food and upload it to Facebook. In fact, I contend that Facebook and Twitter are just one big toy. Obviously, people use social media to connect with others, and marketers use it like I do—but for the most part it’s one big toy. And that’s okay. I think that everything in life has to lead to some kind of fun. Part of the reason I love speaking is because I get to make people laugh. When I’m onstage with my partner Rich, I’m playing. It’s one big playdate for me.

I love it.

I love fun.

I love my gadgets.

I love making people laugh.

As I’m writing this, I have 70s music blasting through my sound system with a remote that you don’t have to point at the tv. How cool is that? I love my toys.

So go out there and play!

For the last few months, my manager Kristi and I have been talking about our next steps with my speaking and writing career. Kristi has always brought up the fact that I underestimate my struggles as a human being and neither of us have been able to figure out why that was.

Is it because I’m not self-aware? Actually, I am very self-aware. I know myself very well. If I’m having a good day, I know why and vice-versa. Is it because I live in a cocoon where I only understand my own life? I wish that was the case because it’s only when I think about other people’s lives that I say my life is hard. There are days when I wish that I could only look at my own life in a vacuum. Is it the fact that I don’t let anything get to me? Of course not. I have bad days just like everyone else. I throw hissy fits like any other human being. I get frustrated when I can’t do something right.

Then what is the issue? Why do I keep underestimating my struggles?

I finally figured it out. It’s the fact that every time I think of all the things I can’t do I get overwhelmed, depressed, and at times angry. If I go through the day thinking of how hard my life is, how I have to struggle to communicate, how I can’t type as fast as Kristi, how I need my roommate’s help to take a shower, I become depressed and angry.

There are times when we have to underestimate our problems in order to deal with them. There are days when I just think about everything I can’t do, how hard it  for me to go to the bathroom, the fact that I can’t run out and buy a pizza by myself, and many more things. Those are the times when I play the victim. I fantasize about not being disabled. I become lonely, angry, and depressed. Much of my adult life I went through days where I was in this state and it was the worst feeling in the world.

It’s not the fact that I underestimate my struggles. It’s the fact that I choose to ignore them, just a little bit.
 

The last few months I have been taking a quasi-break from work. I decided that I needed a break from the hustle of life and just needed to hang out, take some trips, have long dinners with friends, and breathe.

I found my mind wandering towards many activities that either I cannot do or that take much more effort like getting dressed in three minutes or climbing up stairs. What’s interesting to me is the fact that when I was a kid, these things did not bother me. Yes, they were in the back of my mind, but they didn’t bother me. There have been many recent times when I would obsess over the things I couldn’t do.  I felt guilty for having these thoughts because my life has been great the last year. My family is blessed. One of my friends from high school, Arash, just went to Costa Rica.  A couple of weeks ago, I was at his house and he was telling a group of friends how beautiful it was. I found myself getting upset because there is no way I could have a trip like that. Granted, I could go to Costa Rica and experience some things, but it would involve exhaustive planning and I could not quite get the experience that I wanted—like walking on the beach or going hiking in the mountains.  

What changed? One thing that changed is that now I can afford these exotic trips. The only thing that stops me is my disability, where before I had more than just my disability as a barrier.

Even though I am still working and writing, I feel that I use work as a means for me to feel like I am doing something very exciting to replace some of the things I can’t do. For me, there is a certain kind of excitement when five minutes into a speech you realize that you’ve got the audience right where you want them. I love that feeling. When you get the laugh that you expect out of a joke—I love that feeling. It’s exciting.

People ask me why I try so hard. This is why. Even though I’m happy, I always feel like I am missing some great adventure that comes with an emotional high. I believe I can capture that emotional high through speaking and that’s why I do what I do.

Have you ever woken up with a cold or a sore throat? You think to yourself that you just cannot miss the day, you have that conference call that you can’t put off or a package has to go out. You drag yourself out of bed, into the shower, and when you get to work and into the thick of things, you realize that your attention is focused on the day rather than your cold. Yes, you have to deal with the coughing, the dry mouth, and the phlegm; but, as soon as you get home, you focus on how sick you are and say to yourself, “I’m sick. I’m so sick!” The busier I am, the less I have to say to myself, “I’m disabled. I’m so disabled!”

My disability is always there, but when I’m not busy it’s in the forefront. When I’m busy, it’s still in the forefront but it is shared by doing something creative, productive, and downright fun.
 
 

A couple of months ago, my friend from college Sami and I went to Utah and Lake Tahoe. I went to Utah to see my mentor and colleague Frank Miles speak and to hang out with him. We then went to Tahoe to see my best friend Patrick and to ask him if he wanted to move back down to California to help me out in my new house.

It was one of those trips where nothing went right. First, I could not get a handicapped cab for a couple of hours from Utah airport to my hotel. The next morning, I had arranged a cab from the hotel to the venue that Frank was speaking at and the driver never showed up. Luckily, the venue was in walking distance from my hotel. There were more problems when we got to Reno, which I’m not going to get into. By the time we got to the Tahoe hotel, I was physically and emotionally drained.

My life and my disability present many physical and emotional challenges. I don’t know what’s worse—the emotional or the physical. I remember telling a friend of mine everything I go through and she said to me, “If I were you, I would be in a ball crying all day.” There are days when I am stuck in self-pity and self-loathing. It feels like every single problem in my life is a result of my disability and if I was not disabled, my life would be almost perfect. Well, at least a lot more manageable. I know this is not the case, but sometimes raw emotions cannot be questioned.

I could sit here and make a laundry list of just stuff that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Being the emotional guy that I am, I let things get to me. I get frustrated. I do complain. Having said that, I am a happy go lucky person. I love spending time with people, I love to laugh, I love to go out to eat, and despite not being able to get a cab in Utah, I love to travel.

If I hang on tight to every emotion that I experience throughout the day, I would be a complete mess. There are times when we need to hang on to emotions and there are times when we need to forget.

The last day in Lake Tahoe, Sami, Pat and I took a stroll by the lake, then we checked if the tram that went up the mountain was handicapped accessible. It turned out that it was and then I bought three tickets to go up the mountain and it was one of the best experiences I had with two of my best friends. On the plane ride home, I met a man with a one-year-old disabled child who inquired about my disability. We spent the whole time talking about his son’s future. I want to hold on to those memories, not the memories of the cab.

After I came back from Utah and Tahoe, I questioned whether I wanted to continue speaking. After all, logically that trip taught me that the logistics of travel were too much for me to deal with. After much soul searching, I decided that it is my passion and worth the inconvenience. I let go of the emotions that I felt on the trip. Having said that, I will never forget what happened on that trip. When I got back, I found a chair that can go in the back of any car.

Forgiveness is all about having a little bit of amnesia. Where would you be if we remembered every single bad thing that ever happened? Where would you be if every person who cut you off on the freeway bothered you forever?

I grew up in a family where any argument would only last an hour. My family never held a grudge. They would forget any disagreement in under an hour and it made our family very strong.

Like I said, a little amnesia never hurt anybody.

Andy Grove famously said “only the paranoid survive.”

For the last couple of weeks, I have been writing about my own need to find some kind of balance in my life. This week I am going to argue against taking it easy.

I always look at the traits of successful people and one thing I notice in most of them is that they do not rest on their laurels. Sure, they take time off, they go have fun, they party. At some point or another, successful people get neurotic, want more, and nothing is enough.

There is no doubt that I get neurotic about my goals and sometimes I go too far. I get that. The fact is that I want to see so much in my lifetime and I accept that it is harder for me than most people. I don’t like it, but I accept it. With that being said, in order for me to succeed, I have to be neurotic. There are some things that are easier for me to do than most people, like writing this blog. I can have a blog post done in half an hour. Okay, enough bragging. On the other hand, there are some things that are ten times harder for me to do than most people, if not more. My morning routine is challenging. On a side note, I have trouble using the word “hard” because no matter how hard my life is, someone else always has it ten times harder.

A price of having high expectations is the certainty of getting hurt. It hurts every time I go on match.com and I don’t get email back, to the point where I have to shut off my computer at night so I don’t check my email every hour. When I was looking for a job out of college, it hurt to watch my friends settle into their new jobs. So the question is, why hurt myself?

There are parts of my life that are so beautiful. When I thought I couldn’t go to USC, I became neurotic and started obsessing about what it would be like to go there; finally I said ENOUGH. I started asking myself, “How can I go?” instead of “Why can’t I go?” I became neurotic. Furthermore, in 2004, I became neurotic over a girl and decided to go on match.com and as a result formed a year-long relationship. Those events were two of the greatest things that ever happened to me. If I accepted that life was life and things were how they were, I would not become neurotic. I agree that we all have the potential to be too neurotic and I am learning how to have better balance in my life. There are times when we need to take it easy and there are times when we have to work, and sometimes be totally neurotic.

The pursuit of success and ultimately happiness is an emotional gamble. The more you want to become successful, the higher the emotional stakes are. If you don’t want to gamble, then don’t. But I want to.

Don’t think that I am neurotic all the time. I have good times with friends and family. I ditch work every so often. In fact, last Halloween I was in Vegas and three nights in a row I called Kristi and told her that I was going to be staying an extra night. I do have good times. For me, being neurotic is just the cost of doing business. If you watch the great sports athletes, they are upset after a loss.

On Tuesday night, the Bulls were playing the Hawks and the Bulls were up significantly. The coach of the Bulls, Tom Thibodeau, did not like a call and he was arguing with the referee. He developed a habit of being neurotic or fighting for everything and it was automatic. He could easily let go and just sit there and say to himself, “We’ve got this game.” But no, he had to argue. Isn’t that better than the other way around?

I am the first one to admit that I sometimes go too far, and if you don’t believe me, just ask Kristi. After all, she’s probably the number one person who sees my neuroses every day.

I’m just a guy in a chair trying to live an extraordinary life.

Last week I put up a blog post called “Taking it Easy.” First, let me report that right after I put up the post, I sent Kristi home early, turned on the USC game, shut off my computer, and went to lunch with my mom. Admittedly, maybe watching the Lakers game was not the best way to relax, because I become more neurotic during intense games. If they actually won the game instead of losing it, I would be more relaxed.

I received a comment on my post criticizing me for missing the mark:

Guess what… you are missing something right now! Not sure what it is but you are indeed missing it; that is how life works. I thought you were a marketing major? You should understand that human desires and emotions can be shaped and formed based upon perception versus reality. How many folks buy a new car thinking it will make them happier, sexier, etc? I read your book “Love Your Life…” and the one thing that struck me about you is your craving need and active search for what you do not have. In the book and even now you always mention your search for love and you write about it in very romantic, and unrealistic terms. Part of loving your LIFE is living YOUR life; the real life you have in front of you now. I truly enjoy reading your material but what turns me off to your content, sometimes, are those moments when you talk romantically about what you do not have. By setting up these romantic ideals of what you want you are creating a situation where when you do have it IT will never live up to what you imagined. Thank you for the provocative topic I enjoy it when you challenge yourself and us readers. Now go enjoy some ESPN :).

First off, I truly appreciate this kind of comment because it helps me share my perspective with other people. There is no doubt that I am seeking a romantic life. The point of the blog post was the very fact that I need to celebrate what I have and not focus on what I don’t. I am the first person to admit that I am overly-focused on achieving every single one of my goals.

In the comment, it mentioned that I am looking for the “ideal life.” And to tell you the truth, there are parts of my fantasies that are ideal, but I understand that my life would never live up to the ideal.

When I think about a relationship with a woman, the ideal paints a picture of my hypothetical life: walking on a beach with her, cooking for her, driving if she gets tired, and many more things. I admit that I’ve daydreamed about these things, but have had to painfully give them up. With that being said, it would be incredible to have a relationship in my current state. Yes, it’s romantic, but it’s far from ideal.

In 2005, I dated my ex-girlfriend for a year, and it was one of the best years of my life. We broke up this time in 2006. I have only had a couple of dates in five years. I hear men complain, “oh, I haven’t had a date in a month!” It’s been five years. I wish that I could just let go, but I can’t. The truth is that really successful people are a bit neurotic, and that’s okay. It was the most beautiful year of my life and I want to create something similar to that or something completely different—but just as good.

I appreciate my friends, family, or—in this case—random Internet people telling me that I should stop and smell the roses because I do.

It’s an interesting dichotomy that I struggle with each and every day.

This week is Valentine’s week and some people think that this holiday was somehow concocted by the gift industry. I am not going to look up the origins of Valentine’s Day because I have a packed day and just don’t feel like it. Too honest? (It’s a blog, get over it!)

I am 33 and if you have been keeping up with this blog, then you know I’m having a strong desire to find love. I always thought of myself as a romantic. Heck, my book is called “Love Your Life and It Will Love You Back.” A clue? I feel that it is time for me to start looking for romance. I just moved into my first house and before this, I always came up with the excuse that I am not ready because I don’t have my business where I want it or my living conditions are not ideal, but with the great windfall that my family went through, those excuses are gone. In fact, one of the biggest factors that influenced me moving out of my parent’s house and into my own place was the fact that I want to show a woman that I’m independent and live my own life.

In 2005, I met my ex on match.com. We dated for a year and even talked about marriage. At that point, I just started my own company and she was ready to have kids right away. The year that I dated her was probably the most fun I ever had. In the end, it came down to the fact that I couldn’t give her a family right away. By the way, if I had kids, they would not turn out disabled. I just had to put that out there because I never know who’s reading this blog—maybe the love of my life. Unfortunately, the more time that goes by, the more and more I think it’s a one-time relationship. Just like that. I am scared, truly scared.

I have not given up on love yet. The fact is that I am more than positive that love is out there for everybody, including me, but finding it—well, that’s a whole different story. I take time every day to communicate with women on match.com and this time I don’t want to give up. So, every day I email three women a day and see what happens. I will not email women today, on Valentine’s Day, because that would look a little creepy and I want to play it cool.

The dilemma that I have is how do I broach my disability? Right now I have a paragraph on my match.com profile about it. I am afraid that talking about my disability scares people off because they are afraid to deal with something new. Two weeks ago, I emailed this girl and I got a response back. She said that she met a guy but loved my book. Can you believe I got fan mail on match.com? I don’t want fan mail. I want a date! I decided to write her a long email asking her what she thought of my profile because in her email she asked how match.com was working out for me. I wrote the email more for myself than for her, but to my surprise, she actually said to take that paragraph out because that’s not who I am. I have two strong thoughts on that. First, that is who I am. As much as I want to deny it, it’s who I am. As much as my ethnicity influences the way I think and who I am, my disability affects those same things and will affect the woman that I end up with. Some negative and some positive. Like the parking thing. To be serious, I have achieved a level of intimacy with everyone I come across because of my disability and it’s a beautiful thing.

I am afraid that if I don’t put anything on my profile about my disability, I will start talking to a girl and about four or five emails later I will mention my disability and then all of a sudden…nothing. I know myself and that would hurt like heck.

Last night, I went to The Four Seasons with my buddy Arash and there was a group of women sitting there and I started talking to them. For some reason, one of them was really interested in my disability and she wanted to have a conversation with me, but for some reason or another it seemed like she got tired of talking to me. It hurts. I gave her my card and tried to get her email address but she told me she would email me.

This morning I got no email.

To be honest, I am very frustrated and scared right now but I’m also excited because I can’t wait. I have lived with that dichotomy every single day since I was 20. On one hand, I am scared. On the other hand, I can’t wait to go out and live life.

Tonight I will spend Valentine’s Day with my roommate and best friend for 25 years watching the Lakers game and eating great food, wondering what I will be doing Valentine’s Day 2012.

Lately there has been much news about the new TSA measures to make us safer and many people are upset because they say that it violates their rights or they’re embarrassed. Yes, going through forced security is a hassle, but that’s all it is—a hassle. Being disabled is a hassle every day…but I get through it.

I travel quite a bit and I’m willing to wager that there’s a good chance my travels might be somewhat more involved than yours. (Notice I said “involved” not “harder.”) I’m telling you this not because I’m trying to elicit sympathy or make you feel bad for me, but because I want you to say to yourself next time you’re in an airport and frustrated about security and delayed flights, “at least I don’t have to go through what the guy in the chair goes through.” Another thing: remember, I’m Middle Eastern. Strike two!

After I make my reservation, I have to call the airport and let them know that I have an electric wheelchair, which solicits a whole slew of questions such as “what kind of battery does it have?” Then at the airport, I have to check in where, again, they ask me what kind of battery my chair has—redundant, I know. They then tag my wheelchair like it’s a piece of luggage and I head over to our friends at TSA. Despite what anybody says, they are very nice people…I’ve never had an issue with any of them. At this point, may I remind all of you that my wheelchair is made of metal, so going through metal detectors is not an option. So what that means, boys and girls, is that I have been getting patted down every single time I fly. You know, I see these people on TV—or even in front of me at the airport—who get patted down just once or twice and complain…give me a break. Almost every time the TSA agent explains what he is going to do and I just accept it. Like I said, it’s just the way it is.

Now, the fun part: getting on and off the airplane. The airlines have a special chair called an aisle chair. When I get to the gate, two people lift me into the aisle chair, which is tiny. Then, I am strapped in every which way. I joke and call it The Hannibal Lecter chair because I feel like I’m in an insane asylum when they put me in the chair. The cool thing is I usually get moved to a seat that has more leg room. Once on the plane, they help me into my seat and then when we land, the process is reversed. My chair is stored in the belly of the plane.

My life oftentimes is more intricate than others, but on some level, I have to say to myself that if I want to get out there and live, I have to go through the inconveniences that my life presents. Similarly, if you choose to fly, there’s a good likelihood that you have to go through lesser inconveniences than I do. Just remember that the TSA and the government are trying to keep us safe.

If I tell you, “describe to me spontaneity,” you would probably describe someone who is always ready to do something like drive to Vegas in the middle of the night, which by the way I have done before. (I had a bad day, give me a break.) 

I have a unique interpretation of spontaneity.  I believe the definition of spontaneity is doing what you want, when you want, and how you want.  Often times my disability forces me to plan extensively.  My friends can’t just call me up and ask me to meet them here or there.  (By the way, why is LA the only metropolitan city without a decent public transportation system?)  Also, the idea of being spontaneous for me is just being able to hop in the shower or get a glass of water whenever I feel like.  Every night before I go to bed, someone has to put a glass of water next to my bed so if I get thirsty during the night I don’t have to wake anybody up.  It’s like putting out water for the dog.  In my creative work, I can’t always get an idea down on paper when I want.  It’s not like I can grab a paper and write down my thoughts when they happen.  Oh, I’m sorry—put it in my BlackBerry! (I forgot what decade we were in.) 

I am writing this not to elicit sympathy but rather to give you a unique perspective. So, next time your friend calls you or you are getting a glass of water, just take a second and think wow, I can do this.  I often feel fortunate that I have enough control in my left hand so I can drive my wheelchair, which comes in handy especially when I’m in Vegas and need to switch tables. But seriously, there are times when I am so grateful that I can drive my electric chair…but, if you believe that I have this awesome attitude all the time, call me because I have something to sell you! 

In the beginning of any professional or personal relationship, expectations are formed.  Once those expectations are formed, some of them may become persistent for future behavior.  For example, let’s say a man starts dating a woman and for the first couple months often takes her out for one hundred dollar dinners.  All of a sudden, one night, they decide to order in.  No matter how down to earth the woman is, she will be a little disappointed.  Not out of any snobbery, but because she is too used to the precedence of going out to a lavish dinner every week. 
 
In business, it’s the same issue.  A manager needs to be a little difficult in the beginning to set the tone of their professional relationships.  It’s a lot easier to loosen up after some time, but it’s much more difficult to tighten the reigns once the precedence has been set.
 
In the beginning of any relationship, we all want to be the nice guy (okay, maybe not everybody).  We want to show off how cool we are.  It’s not easy to always be the bad guy.  No matter what people say, life is a popularity contest. 
 
As a disabled person, I need a lot of help and oftentimes it feels that people are doing me a favor by helping me out.  There were times when something was bothering me and I would just let it slide because I said to myself, “they’re helping me out.”   But did I do the right thing?  Maybe in certain circumstances I did, but oftentimes I was setting a precedent that if I broke, I would feel like a jerk.  That’s the last thing I wanted to do.   (They like me, they really like me!)
 
The lesson here is to be careful what precedent you are setting early on.  Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I planning to continue this behavior? In the example above, is the guy going to keep buying lavish dinners or is he just showing off?

• Do you discuss the precedence? (i.e.  if you have a new employee and he or she needs to leave early the second week of work, do you discuss that this is only a special occasion and make it crystal clear that it’s not a precedent?)

 
In the long run, you look like a nicer person if you seem a little difficult in the beginning.  What happens is that it’s easier to turn a no into a yes rather than the other way around.  I’m not saying that you should be a jerk right off the bat, I’m just saying that being a little bit difficult in the beginning sends a notion that defines the relationship early on, which ultimately is better for both parties because both parties understand the roles in the relationship better. 

When circumstances change, expectations change.  What do I mean by that? Let’s say that you get a big promotion at work and let’s say that your salary increases.  Your first instinct is to take all your friends out for drinks and that night you don’t care if your tab $100 or $1,000.  But, you run the risk of setting a new precedent.  Sometimes we have to hold back our instincts and think in the long term.  When my family won the lottery, I wanted to pay for everything when I went out with my friends but I knew that if I did that eventually when I stopped, I would look like a jerk.  Don’t get me wrong, I went out a lot with my friends—I just got back from Vegas—where I took care of the room at the Bellagio but I am very conscious of not going too far. Which is oftentimes against my instincts.  If you do this, you  might run the risk of setting a brand new precedent and your friends might think that this is a new paradigm in your relationship, which it might just be.
 
So…go out there and be a jerk!